one more time habit

just finished "To Kill A Mocking Bird" for a third time. Gandalf and Pippin are walking the courtyard out side the Grat Hall of Minas Tirith for the second time. um... there are actually there waiting for me to turn the page since last two months. "Fallen Dragon" too has done its second run after about seven years. "Wizard and Glass" wants to be picked up again before I start the last book of the epic series. the first one "The Gunslinger" of course was read for a second time at the start after about umm... say 10 years! And am trying real hard not to pull out "The Inheritance of Loss" out of that carton again.

More than a habit, I feel, its always the story that calls. which I had once in a way 'lived' and so fallen in love that it becomes like a place or a friend to where or whom I feel so good to visit again and again.
another thing responsible, I reckon, could be is the sadness with which I finish a book. like I never wanted it to end and maybe that's why maybe to see if there was something more of the story which I may have left out. like the beautiful and tragic story of the Mejis in Wizard and Glass. I want to hear that story again.

It's of course a bad habit coz there are so many more stories out there which I must be reading instead of repeating old ones. I hope the habit changes soon for good.

"Nanha Rajkumar" (the Hindi version of The Little Prince by Saint-Exupery) doesn't find mention above as I've never kept a count for it. this one is like prepositions in English language; filling in every now and then.

scrambled mind

first the status update for the more familiar to facebook crowd -
ongoing movies: LOTR (for 27th time), Barfi
playing on TV: news, animal planet, comedy central etc etc swaps every 2-5 minutes
books open: LOTR (it'll get over real soon i promise), Kim by Kipling, Wolves of Calla by Stephen King (ebook)
location: sofa, chair in balcony, doorway floor, kitchen
on laptop: blogger, nfs most wanted, ys flight simulator, (no facebook)
munching: banana chips, cake, pringles

and believe me, all above almost at same time, none of any going on more than max 10 minutes.
thats really scrambled. can't continue after 1-2 races, can't go on after 1-2 failed landings of a B-737, just 50 some pages of the novel and then move to tv or game or office stuff and then back to pages.

thats why i believe, i won't be writing here for long! hehe! its frustrating... more so when i am alone.
its much better when wifey and nitya are here. tv remote is in wifey's hand, location is always changing chasing the little one all through home, very little gaming. only the books keep shuffling.

i think the only thing in near past i kept doing for a decently long time was my loooong drive.
i'm abnormally impatient and i don't like it.

back or just another visit?

a mind of mine which i always call an idiotic scramble strolled over here after so long. scrambled, yes, going on super scrambled. confused and above all, impatient. and this mind knows, for sure, that this is yet another visit only.... maybe for a few days if not only today but only a small one. thats what the next post will be all about.
of course i can't directly start hitting or praising a music director or a city in the first text itself after eons. have to gain the right to write first. a preface is necessary. so it'll be

still homesick

June 2004, when I first left home after 14 years of schooling and 4 years of Engineering and many many friends. The train started moving. I was on the door and signalled and hushed mummy, who was trying to catch up with the speed, not to cry, and shouted to Sandeep... inhe sambhaalna. she controlled herself there, and I too was as calm as this was just another of my journey. have thought about that calmness a hundred times since... how unusual, how impossible.
6 years since that day, after staying in so many cities, with so many people and then with my wife... still I am homesick. wanderer as many know me, but still I always rear to go home. on the last day of each and every tour, on the last leg of travel, I want to go to my home at Bhopal first. these 6 years haven't changed me... how unusual.
and this despite the fact, which I have discovered in these years when I wend home for short spans, that except at my home there, right from outside the gate, the sight of almost each turn and street brings a painful feeling of memories of my beautiful days there. I try not to go through those lanes or visit those shops or stop at those spots as they remind me of my friends. I feel alone everywhere out of my home. Yet I always stay homesick or better to call bhopal-homesick.
I am a branch, my parents are its tree, my wife the water and my friends are the sunlight. am living happily with just one of them always with me... how impossible!

sarhad paar se...

Gulzar recites...

Subah subah ik khwab ki dastak par darwaza khola, dekha
Sarhad ke us paar se kuchh mehmaan aaye hain

Aankhon se maanoos the saarey
Chehre saarey sune sunaaye
Paanv dhoye, Haath dhulaye
Aangan mein aasan lagwaaye...
Aur tannoor pe makki ke kuchh mote mote rot pakaye

Potli mein mehmaan mere
Pichhale saalon ki faslon ka gud laaye the

Aankh khuli to dekha ghar mein koi nahin tha
Haath lagakar dekha to tandoor abhi tak bujha nahin tha
Aur hothon pe meethe gud ka zaayka ab tak chipak raha tha

Khwab tha shayad!
Khwab hi hoga! !

Sarhad par kal raat, suna hai, chali thi goli
Sarhad par kal raat, suna hai
Kuchh khwaabon ka khoon hua hai

split must we?

we are getting divided
yet again
the splits are for loss
or, can't reckon, gain

one fasted silently
during the big partition
other abstined upto death
for another division

more want the markers
new borders to be drawn
more want clearly divided
a mornig from the same dawn

"this not your land
that not our land
you and us in the same hall
we both just can't stand!!

"you unaware of history
we were seperate once
perfect is the logic
we should slice hence

"sure it will pain a little
where the limb will break off
lust, not time, will heal
when we alone will show off"

he's feeling cold and likes it

- dad...
   - hmmm?
- am feeling cold
   - first time?
- yeah... i think first time since i was born
   - hmmm. me too since i became dad
- i've seen rains, lots of it. those cities were wet

   - those water were not good

- ya... i got rusted here here and down there too

   - and the paint...

- is that can empty? next sunday its' my heart's turn

   - ok

- dad... i like this cold. and this sun. i like the mornings here

   - and i push you through those mornings not lettin' you enjoy a lot of it

- na... i don't mind it. thats a good highway there. i love it at 72. am as smooth as on 50. ain't i?

   - yup!

- why there was no cold there?

   - geography. proximity to sea. so it was humid.

- and more watery. that day my wheels were half under water!

   - were you scared?

- yeah... a bit. but felt good when all water drained out of that secret hole!

   - a hole at the underside of silencer... some great mind worked it.

   this cold will grow by mid december.

- you like it?

   - of course... missed it for last three years. my body couldn’t adjust to this cold in the beginning.

- was it cold in Bhopal?

   - yes it was. beautifully cold and then a nice soothing sun. me and Bony bhaiyya ate all the fresh green peas aunty bought when we were leaving for college. then she would buy more for sabzi or pulao.

- dad, we are doing 90.

   - any problem with the rear rubber?

- na... the tarmac grip is good on this highway.

   - you sound grunty these days.

- am fine. daily 20 kms and that too mostly on 70+. we’ll get myself checked again. traffic is bad in the city.

   - it’s not regulated that’s why. again it’s relative. mumbai’s was regulated, still painful. too many vehicles. kolkata was worse with a bit more short tempered and impatient drivers. here it’s free flow, as if everyone owns the road and the turns and rotaries and dividers.

- sometimes we look fools stopping on signals, you wearing helmet. so, which one you say was/is better?

   - highway, anywhere. they are all same. cities are different. adaptation is difficult. you can’t boast your driving skills here in udaipur if you were a traffic cutter in mumbai. the road sense and behaviour is totally different.

- and the truckers on the highway?

   - you’ve seen them. as i always say, they are the best drivers. they drive very sensibly and in discipline. you ask for side they’ll give it. they know in which lane they should be. they are helpless only with the mass of the machine they drive. trucks are so heavy and so difficult to control and we morons jumping in front of them and then blaming those poor drivers for the mishap.

   now look at these cows. having their share of land on this road.

- here. we’ve reached. chalo dad, bye. have a good day at office.

   - you made friends with Bibek’s bull?

- yep!

   - good. we’ll go on a long ride together. bye!