one more time habit

just finished "To Kill A Mocking Bird" for a third time. Gandalf and Pippin are walking the courtyard out side the Grat Hall of Minas Tirith for the second time. um... there are actually there waiting for me to turn the page since last two months. "Fallen Dragon" too has done its second run after about seven years. "Wizard and Glass" wants to be picked up again before I start the last book of the epic series. the first one "The Gunslinger" of course was read for a second time at the start after about umm... say 10 years! And am trying real hard not to pull out "The Inheritance of Loss" out of that carton again.

More than a habit, I feel, its always the story that calls. which I had once in a way 'lived' and so fallen in love that it becomes like a place or a friend to where or whom I feel so good to visit again and again.
another thing responsible, I reckon, could be is the sadness with which I finish a book. like I never wanted it to end and maybe that's why maybe to see if there was something more of the story which I may have left out. like the beautiful and tragic story of the Mejis in Wizard and Glass. I want to hear that story again.

It's of course a bad habit coz there are so many more stories out there which I must be reading instead of repeating old ones. I hope the habit changes soon for good.

"Nanha Rajkumar" (the Hindi version of The Little Prince by Saint-Exupery) doesn't find mention above as I've never kept a count for it. this one is like prepositions in English language; filling in every now and then.

still homesick

June 2004, when I first left home after 14 years of schooling and 4 years of Engineering and many many friends. The train started moving. I was on the door and signalled and hushed mummy, who was trying to catch up with the speed, not to cry, and shouted to Sandeep... inhe sambhaalna. she controlled herself there, and I too was as calm as this was just another of my journey. have thought about that calmness a hundred times since... how unusual, how impossible.
6 years since that day, after staying in so many cities, with so many people and then with my wife... still I am homesick. wanderer as many know me, but still I always rear to go home. on the last day of each and every tour, on the last leg of travel, I want to go to my home at Bhopal first. these 6 years haven't changed me... how unusual.
and this despite the fact, which I have discovered in these years when I wend home for short spans, that except at my home there, right from outside the gate, the sight of almost each turn and street brings a painful feeling of memories of my beautiful days there. I try not to go through those lanes or visit those shops or stop at those spots as they remind me of my friends. I feel alone everywhere out of my home. Yet I always stay homesick or better to call bhopal-homesick.
I am a branch, my parents are its tree, my wife the water and my friends are the sunlight. am living happily with just one of them always with me... how impossible!

why ride 'not slow'?

you've written 'ride safe not slow'... defend it!
well, safety first.
and the other half? thats something dangerous and contradicting the first half
no its' not. coz' still, safety is first
but...
yes, you can be fast and safe together. you'll be stupid if you always ride slow or fast or only safe. you should be riding smart and sensible.
but why not slow?
the world is not small. its un-imaginably huge. you can't see part of it in your whole lifetime even if you have a flying machine. so forget about biking.
and then when you are on your bike as a biker and not a commuter, you are with your machine to travel the world. you enjoy the road and the street and explore something new every time you tread on it. you watch and feel the scenics, surroundings, people, other vehicles, their passengers, an overtaking biker, a cursing tempowalla, a cautious truck driver, a honking car, cows, their dung, potholes, tarmac, bridges, speed, wind... lots so many things! how can you own all that experience riding slow in your small life?
but you'll rather concentrate only on road when you are riding fast! you can't pay attention to the surroundings?
not asking you to do 80+ kmph when i say 'not slow'. you just have to be 'not slow' enough to witness as much as possible in your small ride span. you have to think and really feel that there's still a lot more ahead and you have to see that. you have to believe that what lies ahead is definitely better than what you are seeing now.
... you have to tell the tale of what you visited atleast to yourself and you should never be short of tales, so you have to move... and move 'not slow'!
and why should i see more of this world?
simple... because this world is awesome!
and what you haven't seen yet is more awesome?
you bet! go ride :)

who won?

look... it is perfectly logical that eventually a handful of terrorists will surely be brought under control either by capture or by kill by any anti-terrorist force. it was to happen when their ammunitions were exhausted. so an arrest of one and killing of rest few is not an impact. impact was what they made. killed hundreds and damaged millions. they did what they came for.
pardon me, but i am not too proud of our police/military force on 26/11. they just got passing marks and the government escaped with grace marks.
here we din't fought. yes, we saved a few lives but otherwise we let the actions happen. we were defensive. we waited for our turn and thought of it after they had taken theirs. just a handful against a big force! victory and fight was there, on the peak of Kargil. there was the pride. there were martyrs.
we were not prepared in mumbai. not long ago did the '06 blasts happened. we didn't did our homework. we didn't learned our lessons.
we can still be under attack anytime. who knows? can anyone even predict let alone declare? are we safe? and how longer our country will be the favourite soft target? where are the tough guys? seems useless to say or question anymore. we have to live like this. let the world flow and we too floating on it like a dry leaf. sometimes stuck against rocks, sometimes in rapids, sometimes hit by a stone some boy has thrown.
that force was not at fault. they followed orders. the system which ordered was malicious.
we will have a contingent of cops at a single square to catch hold of vehicles without helmet or seat-belts but too few or none to stop two terrorists at a huge railway station. these will be carrying sophisticated speed guns to catch a speeding vehicle but not enough advanced ammunition to stop terrorists roaming on our streets and in our hotels!
we don't have power and are at the receiving end, so we care. and those who have the might... who cares?

and now i...

now i am woken up not by my phone alarm but by her voice
now i walk among the morning hustle of my breakfast and lunch preparation
now i see someone in prayers to god in other room
now i smell insence sticks burning and fragrance all around me
now i get delicious breakfast when i am dressed up and ready
now i dont lock up my flat behind me
now i honk and wave back to two hands as i move out on my ride
now i carry a lunch box to office
now i have my lunch on time
now i try to finish off my work on time
now i am more than eager to go back 'home'
now i don't worry where and what will i eat tonight
now i see four eyes in balcony and window as i look up to my flat
now i ring the bell and the door opens
now i see smiling faces and feel wait in the air
now i relax among the hustle of dinner
now i take a walk after my meal
now i don't think of 'office next day' at home
now i wait for another great morning as i go to bed
now i have my mom, dad and my wife making my home

they have sworn on my name

5 of my friends have sworn
its either me or himesh reshamia for them
they wont give any heed to this guy's any produce from any part of his body or its imagery. they would also try to avoid looking at him when he guest appears on their favourite reality shows.
two of them have even committed that they will try to mute or change the chanel in perfect sync so as to avoid him or his voice.
few have said that they will take a longer route for commute again to avoid the halls where his new movie is being screened.
they would also try to rescue their friends and friends of friends from his effect.
and just in case they are affected by him by any means, they will get their head shaved, have a bath with Gangajal and will goto a temple and perform a purification ritual.
my friends bestest!

no name :(

me: i love my bike
h1: why? it doesn't even has an original name!
me: huh?
h1: search google. bike primarily means bicycle or simply cycle
me: i love my motorbike
h1: still no individuality
me: it has another name! motorcycle!
h1: ahemm!
me: #@$%#%~*&~$$$%#%#@ i... i ride a noname thingy :(
h1: worse is how much you have spent on nothing till date

a Rhino on my Wrist

was saving money for a Titan Octane. 6k was the price. although the price tag is secondary but 6k for a watch was too much. but i have a fascination for watches so was ready to shell out.

then last week read about this launch of WWF range of Titan watches. In collaboration with World Wildlife Fund, 13 models, marked with 6 endangered wildlife species of India were launched as collector's edition. Part of the sales will be used in the conservation programs by WWF.

auspicious combination! watch, wildlife, limited edition, contribution.

impatient i am, so ran for the nearest store and picked up a Rhino watch! and am boasting it proudly

intention and gesture

the hall was half full. all were standing as the Tricolour fluttered on the screen and Jan Gan Man played. there was minor, almost negligible movement among people. almost all were well poised. i felt good. could even hear a few humming and me too let out my slow voice. a phone rang in front of me and this guy cut the call!

and the next time we people stopped at the entrance itself coz we could hear the anthem there.

i presume, in fact believe, this act of us was not out of any sort of compulsion. everyone knew what one should do and was doing it. and this was in contrast of all other activities we consciously or unconsciously take pleasure in doing when we are told not to. like parking at no parking or spitting at do not spit.

of course we all had a respect for the anthem. maybe we all remembered the teaching in civic, how to respect our national anthem and flag. "We should do this" was what we were taught. i think we never took this as an instruction or a rule that we would enjoy breaking. and if we ever thought so, maybe we were also thinking that atleast lets not break this rule.

now i dont expect we all would be doing the same if we heard the anthem when we were on street or in a meeting or in a restaurant. we would feel a bit sorry and will continue with our chore. the intention will be more important then than the gesture. like i always touch my parent's feet whenever i meet them after long but maybe i'll miss doing it if they stood there with open arms and we hug. no one would mind!

well, though i do feel bit awkward to see some players of our cricket team with their hands on chest in american style when they should be standing attention. either don't do it or do it properly? an immature thought! hehe.

intention above gesture my friend! intention above gesture! and we all have good intentions... atleast for one thing. and its great to see this :)

yourself

you break trust on yourself when someone whom yourself trusted breaks your trust on him

Why do people risk their lives for others

an important conversation.

in the episode #70, at the funeral of The Third Hokage

Naruto: Iruka sensei. Why do people risk their lives for others?

Iruka sensei: When one person dies... he disappers. Along with his past, current lifestyle and his future. Many people die in missions and wars. They die easily and in surprisingly simple ways. Hayate was one of them. Those who die have goals and dreams. But everyone has something as important as those. Parents, siblings, friends, lovers... people who are important to you. They trust and help each other. The bond between the people important to you ever since birth... and the string that binds them becomes thicker and stronger as time goes by. It's beyond reason. Those bound to you by that string will do that. Because its important.

Naruto: Yes... I think I understand, somewhat. But... it's painful when someone dies.

Kakashi sensei: The Third didn't die for nothing. He left something important in all of us. You'll find out what eventually.

Naruto: Yeah, I think I understand that too, somewhat.

Iruka Sensei: (thinking) It seems like the small leaves in the Hidden Village of Konoha have inherited that fire of will you spoke of, Third. The fire on the leaves will eventually burn greater and stronger. It will flash its light and protect this village.

good, bad, choice, must do

woke up at 10 in the morning at boss' call... told him won't be coming to work as  doc instructed to rest for a day or two. saw those strange orange balls covered in thin small fluffy white petal like things on the tree outside our window. those were there a year ago as well but i could never see them closely. but now i have a gadget. i took my camera and zoomed in to see what it was. a beautiful orange ball, the surface like a honeycomb and from each groove was coming out a small white petal. felt good, obviously.

searched for some more thing before the sunlight gets hard for good shots and saw this. a crow had just hunted a grey pigeon and was devouring it. i zoomed in, curiously, then felt bad, obviously.

of course i didn't captured it, there was no reason. but then i thought, to get into good photography and while capturing this beautiful world, i'll have to encounter a lot many more of such sights. i cant be selective. i cant escape and have to get used to these. some of these shots i wont keep but some i'll have to preserve. coz those some will be the face of some fact of this world. maybe i wont have choice of what i'll see but i sure will decide of what to remember.

i should have taken the shot of the crow atleast, its movement, its caution. i could have chosen some angle so as to hide the dead pigeon behind the grass or anything while shooting.

have to be less emotional. ...? only for such situations.

papa said...

a task-less mind in a lazy body on this sunday afternoon recalled this...

jan '08, we were having tea and snacks with all other chats at one of my father's friend's place. papa had just told him about my job, earnings, my staying at mumbai and uncle was all praises for me. it seemed as if it was one of the greatest thing for him to meet a guy who's an engineer, MBA and now earning good enough to live in mumbai and gift his dad a swanky mobile phone. it was not that uncle was from some lower middle class family to think this way. he owned a car, a duplex house, all those good interiors etc. but still, meeting me was a muse for him.

his 12 year old boy came down from his room, switched on the tv and fixed himself onto cartoon network and immediately got a scream from his dad "go from here and study. all this time you were playing computer games and now watching cartoons. look at gaurav bhaiyya. he used to study a lot when he was of your age" (don't know how he discovered this) then turned to my dad and said "bhaisaab, i am fed up of him. all day watching tv, or busy in computer games or playing cricket. if not these then he will be doing some mischief or just roaming around with other guys in neighbour. ask once to study and then look at his face, as if we are harassing him! don't know what he will do in days to come." obviously, my presence was adding salt to his frustration.

and then this happened. papa laughed, looked at me and then said to uncle "arre, its his time to play and get involved in all this. let him. all will be fine when he will grow up. look at gaurav now. honestly telling you, he was worse than your child at this age! but today..."

i didn't heard what more he said. i was awed, deaf and speechless... was only staring at papa. all those years and all my deeds zoomed in my mind within seconds. yes, i was spoilt, worse, and being the elder child, my parents were really too worried and many a times hopeless about me. yes, i remember well.

but i did well with their help to make it till here. added to all, i was an example now!

if you are average, you'll take average time to progress. and then you cannot compare your's to the pace of a fast horse. but then maybe, knowingly or unknowingly, your stroll will convert into gallops!

i love my parents most. have to set more examples.

... with a cigarette in my hand...

yesterday i was reciting the lines of 'The Tiger' when i remembered these lines i've first heard in a tv commercial of some footwear company. i then recalled another ad, rather a social message, a campaign, which was aired during the initial days on Zee tv. and i searched for those lines...

a song, vocals by Gary Lawyer, with a guy in loosened fomals and tie was remembering his first cigarette days and those that followed. a dusky dark-shadowed video with glowing cigarette smoke prominent in all scenes and these lines sung on a catchy tune in background...

It was, I remember, many years ago,
When I had failed to distinguish between a friend and a foe,
When they had invited me, holding open the pack,
When I lost to curiosity, instead of being taken aback,
When on that fateful day, for the first time,
I held a cigarette in my hand.

It was, I felt a part of being in the teens,
And what had started with a puff or two became a routine.
The smoke's illusion blinded me for as it arose,
Arose my spirits too, and I muttered to myself, "I can" because,
With a cigarette in my hand, I felt like a man.

Soon it came out in the open, for it had become a habit I could not hide,
I was helpless, for I could not help but continue,
Even when I knew, it was eating me up from inside,
I was sick... my body and my soul and I realized,
With the cigarette in my hand,
I was a dying man.

Soon I was just a lifeless form, a hollow,
People shunned me everywhere, I wished,
If only had I done something which others could follow,
But it was too late, I had taken the wrong path,
And I was ignored, because
With a cigarette in my hand,
I was a hated man.

All the time, tears filled my eyes,
For people had bid me their good byes,
I wept because my cells, my body was choking,
If only on that first day, my friends had been joking,
And then one day, the cigarette dropped from my hand,
I was a dead man.

nice lines for an awareness message.
but then, when you search "with a cigarette in my hand" (with quotes), you'll find in most of the searches people stating that with a cigarette in their hand they feel more confident, relieved, omposed, thinking, manly, and all other positive psychological individualisms in themselves!

was this the reason why the ad didn't continued for long on tv and was never heard or seen anywhere else?

just happening... right now... why??

enough of testing craps... lets start something worth...
and what could be better than talking about something 'live', happening right now! what am i doing?? or... why am i not doing what i should!!??

me is sitting here on comp playing with the keys and in the monitor i can see 'her' reflection! no suspense intended, this girl was in the group of 48 Management Trainees, who had their induction in Udaipur at a resort in the outskirts for 9 days from 6th june... just a year back. we were inducted together before joining the Vedanta group.

I've never seen people mixing with each other so very instantaneously as in this period. Within a day, people formed their groups of 5-10 with whom they were comfortable and this girl was in our group of about 10ppl. She is South Indian, knows very less of Hindi.
We all used to go on trips during induction and while in the bus, we sung lots and lots of songs. Now, this girl, with whom i developed close friendship, knew some hindi songs! So i gave her company whenever she tried one and also explained meanings of many other songs which were sung and she couldn't understand! We had nice time with this translation game! She is very composed, confident and sweet!

She is posted at Tuticorin, a small place due south, and has came here in mumbai office today for some assignment. I saw her in the morning but never in eyes and still not even trying to bother her! We do converse on emails but right now, i dont know why i am finding 'fun' in not approaching and talking to her! I know she is leaving after sometime for Kolkata and still me sitting! There is nothing like hesitation or shy or anything and i never had offended her, no ill or 'extra' feeling existed at anytime and we parted friendly, thinking we would never meet again!

Still when she is here, 'Why Am I Not Talking To Her??!!'

a tear and two...

subconsciously many times things happen which we dont believe at the first moment but then later when we think of it, a totally opposite reaction comes up!
we are not used to crying... i mean guys or men... i dont know whether we feel ashamed or insulted or weak to shed a tear or two! but then these moments come... uncontrolled, and then we are compelled to cry. most of the times, when its over, we feel good!!
i remember last time i cried, remember times when i cried before that, remember many other guy weeping... and while talking to one of my friend, i told her... "never look at a crying man. that pain is unbearable. its like what we say an eruption of volcano." yes... thats what... the feelings of pain burst out with immense tragic emotions. just because we prefer to keep and bury them inside us and dont express it time and again!
"but yes" i said to her "you can very well look at a cry out of happiness!"

i wrote this and the first line recalling last night's incidence. i saw "Blood Diamond" alone yesterday night. very very touching movie. the people, the region, children, family, a precious stone... all blended too very well. all the time i kept praising the makers. the plight of the people in the area shown was really very painful, worse than anyone can think. a beautiful line amongst all this was "... when there will be peace in here, this place will become paradise!"

and then, in the end, came up on the screen written, "Sierra Leone is at peace now"... an unexpected feeling of relief came up to me and my tears rolled out! i then slept very peacefully!

i think i'll write more in my next posts on same subject.